Silliness, mixed with perhaps a bit of rage.
Knocked these out for a photoshop contest a week ago.
Fun With Fiction
Wrote all these up in August 2008 when I was left alone with a pot of coffee for a couple hours.
I toyed with the idea of submitting them somewhere and never did, but now a month later I figured I should at least put them up here so someone can see them.
Neighborhood association retains a lien on this and other properties to be used for the yearly capture-the-flag nudist event.
Hazard Disclosure - neighbor to the east has installed a sound-activated perimeter defense system. It is alleged in civil court that this system claimed the lives of previous occupants.
Owners to retain a lien on the property, whereby deceased pets buried in the south lawn may be exhumed for a yearly tea party.
Natural Hazard Disclosure - property has received multiple meteor strikes. Buyers are to be advised against playing Bruce Springsteen albums within the house.
Excavation during the construction of the lower level addition uncovered an alternate entrance to the abandoned mine on the adjoining property to the west. The opening of this entrance resulted in an immediate bat infestation throughout the structure, which infestation continues to the present time. Contractor's equipment remaining in lower level is not excluded from sale.
Owners disclosure: Home Inspection report failed to find any evidence of the two previous home inspectors who were last seen on the property.
Buyers advised that chimney contains partial remains of sellers uncle and unexploded remnants of a home rocketry kit.
Seller discloses that periodically a door will appear in the south wall of the upstairs back bedroom and will remain there for several hours. Refer to police report.
Property contains a stone declivity filled with cormorant feces that is designated as a national protected wildlife preserve.
Title will be retained in trust for the 7 statues at rear of property. Sale entails only a leasehold, of a duration not to exceed 1,000 years. Leasehold may be verbally suspended by the title-holders prior to the 1,000 year expiration, during the hour long conferences to occur at the rear of property yearly on midwinters day. Leaseholder may be represented by counsel during these sessions.
Buyers must sign an affidavit stating that they shall post no less than two archers to the front parapet in a time of war.
Bomb shelter accessible through door at rear of basement is also accessible from 7 other properties on the street. Visual inspection of this area indicates the other entrances are frequently used and that the area contains an active methamphetamine lab.
Seller has installed a cyclotron to provide electromagnetic shielding should the Earth suffer an unexpected loss of atmosphere.
Buyer is advised that the nudist neighbors believe themselves to be invisible, and may become a danger to themselves and others if their presence is in any way acknowledged.
A person or persons living in the neighborhood has been known to disseminate flyers announcing false events. Buyers are advised against participating in any activities on neighboring properties claiming to involve communal gardening or involving human waste.
As a consequence of twelve or more previous false alarms on the property, buyer is advised that neighbors are now relatively slow to respond to accidents involving accidental dismemberment.
More Fun with Fiction
Even more kinda dark stuff I wrote during housing drama. Alternate cover letters for our offer.
#1
Dear Mr Andersen,
I am very excited for the chance to own 732 Coventry. Since the first step I took across the threshold, i knew this was the house of my dream. The layout of the living room and the outside space is completely perfect, and every detail matches precisely. The only items missing are the nave, the transept, the blood well and of course the altar, but I have had an inspector investigate this thoroughly and I have a quote in hand as well as a blessing from the grand wizard. I believe the work will be straightforward, since after all I have my own memory to use as a plan. Also the neighborhood already has quite a few practicing members who I know will enjoy the chance to worship in public.
#2
Dear Mr Andersen,
It is with great pleasure that I am and have been taking part in the sale of your home at 732 coventry.
As you will soon become aware, through an accident with a time machine and a malfunctioning copy of WinForms, I have placed a bid of ,784,593,458,800 on this property. I look forward to your response, and I believe the first installment of mortgage paperwork was delivered to your agent this morning, because I believe it was its materialization within their office that triggered this morning's earthquake.
#3
Dear Mr Andersen,
Thank you for creating such a fabulous real-estate opportunity! I have a rare gift in that I can see creatures commonly known as pixies, or gremlins, and as you may be aware there are several thousand living in and around the house at 732 coventry. For some reason they have taken quite a liking to you, and seem to interfere in your daily activities at a level I have never seen, and at a level I believe surpasses any since long before modern times.
Now during my preinspections I have spoken to these pixies at great length and I can tell you without a doubt, that if you simply sell the property to any old buyer, thinking you are escaping a 'jinx' or 'bad luck' associated merely with the property, that these creatures will simply follow you to your next property and continue harassing you there.
What I propose instead, is that you sell the property to me for a nominal sum, that with the proper preparation, if you were to leave a piece of yourself, perhaps a couple fingers or a pound or two of unneeded flesh, I believe I could bind these creatures to their current location for further study. And that in so doing you might be able to escape from their influence eventually.
#4
Dear Mr Andersen,
Please consider the contents of this letter classified and a matter of national security.
Let us only say that the US Air Force's Orbital Defense Division wishes to purchase the property at 732 coventry, and wishes to do so with all possible speed. If you are unable to respond to this offer before 17:41PM at 36 seconds past the minute, your government suggests that would be a good time to go for a walk.
Nothing to see here
This site was a side project of mine several years ago, but now active development on it has pretty much stopped. Feel free to look around and try out your own account though. It works although it's very very basic and it's straight HTML so you'll need to write your own <br>'s.
There's a bunch of other accounts on it you can check out as well, although many are password protected.